It’s time to play “HOW LOW WILL THE ROWLAND GO?”

Today while stalking Kelly Rowland‘s entire back catalogue of music videos (don’t even ask why or how, we couldn’t answer you properly there either) we discovered two very important things in regards to her tuneage and the music videos themselves. 

1. Her entire back catalogue minus ‘Commander’ is so shit it’s offensive.

   AND

2. That she is one slutty bitch.

But we don’t trust our opinion on these things, so we came up with the brilliant idea to play a game, and by game we mean make up a fake, cheesy game-show with an alcoholic host called…

HOW LOW WILL THE ROWLAND GO?

Here are the rules;

1. You will be subjected to ten six different images of Rowland caught engaging in potentially job compromising acts. It’s your mission to rank each image on a scale of one to ten of how compromisingly slutty they are. The scores that match ours most closely WIN A SMALL PRIZE OF MINOR VALUE.*
2. Readers should submit there rankings to our Facebook page‘s wall OR email us. WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BITCHES.
3. THE MORE PEOPLE THAT SUBMIT, THE MORE WORTHLESS THE PRIZES (this means you should tweet about it, invite friends, etc, etc).

We’ve included Kelly Rowland’s quotes and thoughts about each individual photo so even if you don’t enter the competition YOU CAN STILL LAUGH AT THE HILARIOUS STUFF.

So without further ado…

LET’S DO THIS SHIT… after the jump.

New-ish Music 111: Zowie

We thought we should do something special for the all important ’111′. SO WE’RE DOING ZOWIE (ew, not like that you perverted people you!). We’ve posted about her a shitload already but we kind of just wanted to rant about her after seeing her live this previous weekend at a festival (we can confirm she was our favourite act of the day). We’ll have another New-ish Music segment up tomorrow! Why? BECAUSE WE CAN.

New Zealand, ie; the world’s most irrelevant country, isn’t really known for much other than funny accents, a very high sheep suicide rate and general subservience to Australia. In fact you could say that New Zealand is kind of Australia’s bitch, we just do everything better. Our cities are bigger, our sheep more abundant and our prime minister is younger, prettier and more lesbian than their one. Hell, even our pathetic excuse for a music industry over here is better. Let’s just be real people, Australia wins the trophy for this one.

HOWEVER ZOWIE COULD POSSIBLY STEAL THAT TROPHY.

And what a trophy stealing fiesta that would be. This Zowie we speak of (and we speak of her a lot around here) is from the land of New Zealand (GASP!), is of the female variety (GASSPP!!) and sings electropop tuneage (OH MY GOD!) that has a rocky edge (THIS IS TOO MUCH!). But here’s the worst part guys…. it’s legitimately amazing(SOMEBODY GET ME A CHAIR. I FEEL FAINT!). 

But by now you’re probably asking yourself “Why should I give a flying fuck about this ‘Zowina’ chick? She’s from that island not deemed fit enough for Britain to throw their convict scraps onto. Give me a list of reasons or I’m going down to the club to get wasted”. Well Mister angry old man who probably is very close to getting a divorce, it’s your lucky day! BECAUSE WE HAVE A LIST OF REASONS FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

And that list is after the jump.

Didn’t you know hipsters appreciated provocative hip swivelling?

Apparently there are people in this world that are ashamed to like the music they like, that’s rather concerning if you ask us. No matter where we are; be it in the shower, in our bedroom, at work, or at a very hipster backstreet café where everyone listens to Radiohead we NEVER fail to sing, shout and generally express our feelings over the greatest pop hits. Sure, the hipster with the bleached hair and twenty-five facial piercings might not appreciate our hip grinding and dutty whining whilst we scream “don’t cha wish your gurlfrahn was a freak like me, DON’TTT CHAAAAA!?” in her face, but we all know deep down inside she loves it almost as much as she loves Cher Lloyd‘s latest nursery rhyme sampling tune.

WHICH BRINGS US TO WHAT IS IMPORTANT HERE.

Important stuff after the jump!

It’s not a good week for UK based convenience stores

Convenience stores London-wide have this week banded together to support one another in some very trying times. The past seven days alone has seen two popstars and one warbling serious artiste break into assorted convenience outlets of an unspecified nature, that’s a 300% increase over last week. One of the effected shopkeepers has even gone on record pleading other international superstars to “LEAVE CONVENIENCE STORES ALONE”. Of course that’s not going to stop them, if Britney truly wants that low fat, low cream milk she’ll take it the hard way or the easy way. 

But we’re not here to discuss Britney’s fondness of overpriced dairy products, or Rihanna‘s trolley thieving store based escapades, we’re here to discuss the new tuneage of up and coming warbler Emeli Sandé. “Who the flying fuck is Emeli Sandé?” we hear you screaming, calm readers – that will be revealed and discussed…

AFTER THE JUMP!

4 – Album Review

We know it’s not exactly a new album (we can already hear you all screaming “THIS ISN’T FAIR, THIS ISN’T RIGHT!!?@?$@! WE WANT A REFUND!!!”, etc, etc) but it’s an amazing album and one we’ve been wanting to rant and rave about for many a few months SO WE’LL RANT ABOUT IT AND YOU WILL READ. We’ll have our next album review up on Friday, we promise that one will be new and recent! SO GET EXCITED.

Everyone loves Beyoncé, it’s like a universally acknowledged truth. Girls want to be her. Gays want to be like her. Men want to do unmentionable and morally questionable things to her.Hell, even Kelly Rowland loves the bitch despite the consistency at which Queen B shatters, strikes and blows apart the ever tiny fragments of success that Ms Rowland manages to piece together during the break between her album campaigns. It’s just accepted that you can’t hate Beyoncé.

The Arrival – EP Review

So we told you we’d review an album at the end of this week, so we kind of lied. But we’re reviewing half an album! That’s what counts right? IT’S STILL A REVIEW PEOPLE. ‘The Arrival’ is the début EP by one of our favourite new electropop warblers Queen on Hearts, you might remember her from the fifty other times we’ve posted about her. Check back in on Monday for another album review and a special segment that may or may not be REALLY EXCITING.

Upcoming electropop singers are probably one of our favourite things in this world, they’re usually amazing, they’re usually brilliant and most of the time they’re worth spending countless hours listening to. Queen of Hearts début EP The Arrival is no exception it seems. It may be only five tracks long, but it’s five tracks that are worth both your money and time.

Tunes to get down on Frieeeeday!

Friday is the day of getting down, Rebecca Black said so, so it must be true. With this knowledge realised we’ve decided that showcasing five, or four, or however god damned many of our favourite tunes for the week is in order. They could be freshly released, they could be ten years old, they might not have been released yet, BUT THEY’LL ALL BE AMAZING.

So what amazing tuneage are we listening to this week? LET’S FIND OUT.

The ten best moments of We Found Love in HQ picture format

So let’s talk Rihanna, No, no, WAIT! Let’s talk ‘We Found Love’!

NO WAIT LET’S TALK THAT TALK.

Moving forward from that terrible joke at a speed faster than Christina Aguilera moved from Bionic we are going to share our thoughts on the video for Rihanna’s latest instalment in her ever growing navy army of international number ones smashes ‘We Found Love’.

IT’S VERY AMAZING.

Now, with our thoughts shared we decided to showcase the ten single most amazing frames from the video with short and witty captions (basically we were majorly inspired by the amazingness that was Popsessed‘s ‘I Wanna Go’ music video review – WHICH YOU ALL NEED TO READ IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY).

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO…

The British voiceover at the beginning that is deep and serious.*

*There wasn’t a way to screenshot the random British voice-over so we decided Rihanna chilling in a field was the best way to capture this magic. SO BEHOLD, RIHANNA CHILLING IN A FIELD!!

Rihanna auditioning for Skins as the lead roll of ‘coked up slut’. Wait, isn’t that their entire cast? BADOOM-CHING!

RANDOM LIGHTNING STRIKE TO WARN VIEWERS OF THE DANGERS OF HOPELESS LOVE FOUND IN HOPELESS PLACES.

Oh, we see what you did there, we see it all right. What do we see you ask? WE SEE CRUDELY DRAWN FRUIT ICONS IS WHAT WE SEE.

-insert witty and hilarious caption regarding Rihanna stealing all of Katy’s fireworks for the California Dreams tour here-

CAREER DEFINING MOMENT ALERT. SOUND THE ARTISTIC PROGRESSION SIREN. BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES. ETC, ETC, ETC.

SOME MORE ICONIC MOMENTS SCREENCAPPED AFTER THE JUMP!

‘Hanging It Up’ sounds like a pretty solid plan right now guys

So The Ting Tings have released a new video for a new song. It’s called ‘Hang it Up’ and if they’re referring to their career in pop music then it’s a very apt title.* Whoever approved this shit as the lead single for their second album needs to either be shot or thrown off a large cliff into the depths of musical hell.

We remember back in 2007 when they charged arms waving wildly into the world of indie pop with the anthem for those sad and awkward people delegated to third-wheel status on every outing ‘That’s Not My Name’. No one expected Jane, and whoever his name is to actually have anything decent left in their catalogue to bother the charts again – but heaven behold they did and fast-forward to ‘Shut Up & Let Me Go’ and ‘Great DJ’ conquering many a hipster radio station’s playlists and we found ourselves chanting ‘the drums’ whilst we shopped for assorted vegetables and toiletries for months on end.

Let’s rant about this some more after the jump!

New-ish Music 110: Charli XCX

 So we got sent this from our good friend Steven (we demand you check out his writings here, it’s all quite good really) and we couldn’t help but feature it on the site. Why? BECAUSE IT’S QUITE GOOD EVERYONE THAT’S WHY. As if that isn’t blatantly obvious. NOW LET’S READ THE ARTICLE SHALL WE?

“Hi, Pop Star Manufacturing Ltd? We’d like a new pop star please.”

“Which model?”

“Female. Pouty. Electro?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s the 24th one this year! We only posted out Lana Del Rey a few weeks ago AND we’re still cleaning up after Ke$ha’s engine refit earlier this month!” *shudders*

“I know, I know, but Ellie Goulding just sits at home eating Kinder Bueno’s and watching Judge Judy with La Roux all day. We’re fucked if we’re getting an album from either of them this year.”

“Ok how about this- we’ve still got some spare Nadine Coyle parts dumped next to a Biffa Bin round the back. I could knock one together with our 2001 Geri Halliwell model and FedEx it over?”
“……”

“….Hello?’

“………………….”

“…….HELLO????”

With Adele continuing to claim squatters rights in the top 10 and female artists generally pissing all over their male counterparts when it comes to record sales, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the addition of a new female pop star to the music industry would be about as welcome as a boil on your tit. But let’s put aside Rihanna, Gaga, Beyonce,Britney, Kelly Clarkson, Adele, Nicki Minaj, Kylie, Cheryl Cole, Jessie J, Robyn, Bjork, Alicia Keys, Nicole Scherzinger, Taylor Swift, Queen Of Hearts, Selena Gomez, Ronika, Florrie, Cher Lloyd, Leona Lewis, Pixie Lott,Zowie, Nicola Roberts, Annie, iamamiwhoami, Imogen Heap, Janelle Monae, Vanbot, Yasmin and Demi Lovato for JUST a second, and see if there’s any room for another XX chromosomed pop star in our woman smothered lives at the moment.

Her name is Charli XCX. She’s 18, she grew up loving The Spice Girls (AMAZING), and after exploding her way into the underground rave scene three years ago in a neon bright burst of ballsy teenage wilfulness, she may well be about to become one of the most exciting, original and imaginative female artists to grace the top 40 in 2012.

LET’S FIND OUT WHY.